The Devil’s Beatitudes

If the Devil were to write his beatitudes, they might go something like this: 1. Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, or too distracted to spend an hour or two once a week with their fellow Christians. They are my best workers. 2. Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked. I can use them. 3. Blessed are the touchy for with a bit of luck, they may stop going to church. They are my missionaries. 4. Blessed are the troublemakers for they shall be called my children. 5. Blessed are the complainers for I am all ears with them. 6. Blessed are they who are bored with the preacher’s mannerisms and mistakes for they get nothing out of the lesson. 7. Blessed are they who do not study God’s word for they will bring my opinions into the church. 8. Blessed is the church member who expects to be invited to his own congregation for he is part of the problem instead of the solution. 9. Blessed are they who gossip for they shall cause strife and divisions that please me. 10. Blessed are they who are easily offended for they soon will get angry and threaten to quit. 11. Blessed are they who do not give an offering to carry on God’s work for they are my helpers. 12. Blessed is he who professes to love God but hates his brother or sister for he shall be with me forever. Robert Notgrass